On Love, On Life

I wrote this out. And it was fantastic, and then my computer decided that it was going to be ridiculous and not work. It made me kind of sad.. But here's the less fantastic version.

I wasn't good enough. That's all you've made me feel for a while now, deficient. I wasn't creative enough, wasn't nice enough, wasn't neat enough, wasn't "cool" enough, wasn't hardcore enough, wasn't thin enough, wasn't loving enough, wasn't anything enough. Not for you. You tried to tell me that this thought I had was unrealistic, but it came directly from you. Directly from things you said, from things you did, and from things you complained about. Came directly from your mouth, from your actions.

You expected me to say nice things, and I tried. I tried every single morning. I would write you out something nice (except when I slept in), but it didn't measure up to my standards so I would erase it and send you something simple. A simple "I love you." "Good morning my love" "I hope you have a fantastic day!" Simple things that I would have been happy with. But those weren't enough. The music I listened to was wrong, it was "boring" and "not hardcore enough", which directly translated to "You've become boring and not hardcore enough." I said mean things, I treated you badly. Y'know.. I did sometimes, I wasn't a perfect girlfriend. I hurt you, and I admitted that. I apologized for it every single time. You never did, until the day before it was done.

The things you said, they hurt me. I remembered those ones clearest. Who wouldn't? "If you ever got fat, I'd break up with you." "You aren't trying." "You're always sad." Yah, those things hurt, they're unkind. Sure, it wasn't daily. But these things stick, they stick and they hurt and it's not fair to me.

This wasn't what was supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to get hurt and attack me and leave. You were supposed to come here, we were supposed to try to fix this, and if I (or you) didn't think I (you) could there was supposed to be a different way of these things happening. It was supposed to end with us both knowing what happened, on good terms, with a final goodbye. We were supposed to be able to be friends eventually, once we'd both had our time.

Instead it ended with me being "crazy". It ended with me not trying. It ended with you wanting me to hurt. It ended with you taking no responsibility. It ended with me not giving. It ended with me "not deserving" you. It ended with you wanting me to hate myself. It ended with me hurting you in a way that can't be reconciled. It ended with no final goodbye. It ended with no last hug. It ended with no last kiss. It ended with nothing but hurt and despair.

I'm glad it's done, neither of us was treating the other right for a long time now. But I wanted this to be better. I wanted to be able to have you in my life in some small way. I wanted to not hurt you this much. And I wanted to have a good idea of you still. 

And oh, you'll be fine when the seasons come 'round And you'll love once again. But for now you'll be hurting and desperate. Be patient while time heals the pain that you're in. Oh, be patient while time heals the pain that you're in.  ~ Seasons by Chase Coy