Men are All the Same.

Just kidding! But seriously, I'm really tired of being a small, relatively pretty girl. Let's be honest here, I look significantly younger than I am. The average guess is 15, only 5 years off. I'm small, I'm blonde, I look young, and I am decently attractive. All of this puts me at risk and lowers the respect I get from anyone. Now, let's put this into context, shall we?

I currently work in retail. I actually quite like my job, my boss is usually fantastic, I love my coworkers, it isn't too difficult, but it's usually enough to do that it doesn't get boring, I get to choose the music, and for the most part customers are polite enough. However, I definitely get rude ones much more frequently than anyone else does. I'm not sure if it's because I don't know how to handle them, or if it's because of how I look, but I think it's at least partially because of how I look. When there are multiple of us on the floor, or at the till, if someone has an issue they typically go to someone else to get it solved, or me to complain about it. Indication that they know I'm not all that high up, but am apparently supposed to take abuse? In reality only the store owners are above me in the amount of authority they have there...

That's manageable, though. People suck sometimes. Sometimes that's just how they are, sometimes they've had a bad day and need to take it out on someone, and sometimes there's a genuine frustration with something done within the store. I can deal with that, and I get it. The problem is the harassment. I'm not your "honey", not your "sweetie", you don't get to call me "sexy" unless we're really close, and it sure isn't appropriate to comment on my body or ask for my phone number. It's even less appropriate to try to touch me at all or to ask where I live. These things aren't okay. I have never seen any of these things done to anyone else at my work. But I'm the only one under 30. The only blonde one. The only young-looking one.

I'm told it's advantageous to be attractive, that girls can manipulate people with their looks. Really? I don't think I could manipulate someone if I tried, and I don't try. I don't think there's been any help in me being respected, safe, or comfortable because I'm close to what society sees as attractive in women. It really makes me want to quit. I don't want to deal with the public, and I don't want to be blamed when I don't want to deal with a customer who is treating me inappropriately. It is not my fault that they choose to behave that way, and I do not feel I should have to deal with that.

This is my rant. Monday is dealing with this. And tomorrow is a Sunday off so I can actually go to church for the first time in forever.. Yay!

Doesn't matter what you do, or what you say, she doesn't love you. No way. Maybe next time you'll give your woman a little respect. Then you won't be hearing her say that "you're never gonna get it."   ~ Never Gonna Get It (My Lovin') by En Vogue

On Love, On Life

I wrote this out. And it was fantastic, and then my computer decided that it was going to be ridiculous and not work. It made me kind of sad.. But here's the less fantastic version.

I wasn't good enough. That's all you've made me feel for a while now, deficient. I wasn't creative enough, wasn't nice enough, wasn't neat enough, wasn't "cool" enough, wasn't hardcore enough, wasn't thin enough, wasn't loving enough, wasn't anything enough. Not for you. You tried to tell me that this thought I had was unrealistic, but it came directly from you. Directly from things you said, from things you did, and from things you complained about. Came directly from your mouth, from your actions.

You expected me to say nice things, and I tried. I tried every single morning. I would write you out something nice (except when I slept in), but it didn't measure up to my standards so I would erase it and send you something simple. A simple "I love you." "Good morning my love" "I hope you have a fantastic day!" Simple things that I would have been happy with. But those weren't enough. The music I listened to was wrong, it was "boring" and "not hardcore enough", which directly translated to "You've become boring and not hardcore enough." I said mean things, I treated you badly. Y'know.. I did sometimes, I wasn't a perfect girlfriend. I hurt you, and I admitted that. I apologized for it every single time. You never did, until the day before it was done.

The things you said, they hurt me. I remembered those ones clearest. Who wouldn't? "If you ever got fat, I'd break up with you." "You aren't trying." "You're always sad." Yah, those things hurt, they're unkind. Sure, it wasn't daily. But these things stick, they stick and they hurt and it's not fair to me.

This wasn't what was supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to get hurt and attack me and leave. You were supposed to come here, we were supposed to try to fix this, and if I (or you) didn't think I (you) could there was supposed to be a different way of these things happening. It was supposed to end with us both knowing what happened, on good terms, with a final goodbye. We were supposed to be able to be friends eventually, once we'd both had our time.

Instead it ended with me being "crazy". It ended with me not trying. It ended with you wanting me to hurt. It ended with you taking no responsibility. It ended with me not giving. It ended with me "not deserving" you. It ended with you wanting me to hate myself. It ended with me hurting you in a way that can't be reconciled. It ended with no final goodbye. It ended with no last hug. It ended with no last kiss. It ended with nothing but hurt and despair.

I'm glad it's done, neither of us was treating the other right for a long time now. But I wanted this to be better. I wanted to be able to have you in my life in some small way. I wanted to not hurt you this much. And I wanted to have a good idea of you still. 

And oh, you'll be fine when the seasons come 'round And you'll love once again. But for now you'll be hurting and desperate. Be patient while time heals the pain that you're in. Oh, be patient while time heals the pain that you're in.  ~ Seasons by Chase Coy 

The Price of Freedom

Summer is drawing to an end.. And let's be honest.. It's been nothing like what I had expected. Working full-time, hardly having any interactions with people outside of work. The best night of my week being either the night working with my favorite co-worker or the night the seniors brought in cake. One week before heading back and all I am is excited, excited to be spending my time doing things I love, or at least ones that bring me closer to things I want. Having a social life, exploring my freedom, and all those things.

Excited to have a place I can call my own, even if it is just rented and shared with 2 others, it's new, it's exciting, it's a responsibility, and it's something I'm prepared for. Excited to budget, to learn, to grow. Excited to experience, to create, to live. Excited for classes, for late nights, for assignments, for good talks, new friends, new adventures, and life.

Terrified, terrified that what I know will completely come to an end, instead of transitioning out, leaving a few things intact. Terrified that we won't be able to withstand the challenges presented to us this year. Terrified that some of the academic challenges are things I won't be able to rise to. Terrified I won't have the money, the determination, won't be prepared for the independence. Terrified I'll know less and less of the things I want and more and more of the things I don't. Terrified old ties will go and nwe ones won't form.

I'd like to say I'm completely ready for this year, but I know I'm not. That doesn't take away from the excitement at all. This is where I want to be, where I need to be, where I'm being called and where I will find the most joy. Maybe the path getting there won't be exactly the one I want, and maybe I'll face challenges I couldn't imagine, or ones I've feared forever. But no matter how it is, I'm ready for this. Ready to find and create myself, explore, grow together (or apart) and learn.

YAY REDUNDANCY AND CONTRADICTIONS!

"I just need to know that I can come back
I need to know, I only need to know that
You'll be here when I come back home"
~ All Those Nights by Chase Coy

Old School Reasons

Well, here I am.. Home, after the first year of university, the first time testing out the big world on my own. I was excited to come home, to spend time with old friends who I had been extremely close to, to get to know my sisters better again, and to be out of the city (even though Lethbridge is a very small city..) That excitement is completely gone.

Being home isn't exciting in the least, I do love my family, but I no longer wish to live with them. I don't like having to clean the washing machine before I wash clothes because there had been clothes covered in poop go through them and then sit there for a week after. I don't like not having my own space. You'd think it would feel more like I have my own space after sharing a small university dorm with a roommate now that I'm back to having my own room, but it doesn't. People come in and out as they please, the door doesn't close properly, let alone lock, and there is very little place for escape from it all. Again, being out on an acreage now you'd think there'd be plenty of space, but that's forgetting the dog.. I go outside to be alone and he follows, unless I'm running he interferes and essentially stops whatever I'm wanting to do with his eagerness, energy, and well.. Stupidity.

I don't feel like I fell back into place with my friends, but it seems as though everyone else has. When we go out for lunch or talk after church or are at someones place, I don't feel involved in the conversation, even though I could be. I don't even really want to be involved in it often.. We have all changed, and I don't resent the change, I like where I am now, an it seems like they all do too. It's just that it leaves me feeling lonely in a place full of those who used to make me feel accepted, loved, and even joyful. The ones who walked beside me when I couldn't walk alone, the ones I have so many good memories with, the ones I didn't want to leave and promised to keep in touch with.. But those relationships aren't the sameI know I feel it, and I guess they probably do too. Yet we don't do anything about it.. All the friends I made in school are about 3 hours away, and with my work schedule and gas prices it's impractical and not going to be a common occurence to see them. The boy is around the same distance away, but in a very slightly different direction, so there's little seeing of him too. It's been so long and it's getting to be difficult.

Working, well, that's actually wonderful. I like most of the people I work with and I do enjoy it for the most part, which is kind of odd.. I mean, it's fastfood, it's mostly handing things out to people, taking there money, cleaning things and making sure you don't do a portion of that wrong.. And it doesn't pay all that well. But I enjoy it. I like talking to the seniors who come in for coffee. I like talking to the other staff, usually. I enjoy feeling like I'm doing something for someone else, even if they are paying for it and I don't always get it right. Although mostly I just enjoy having something to do that seems to have some purpose to it.

I actually miss learning things, I miss writing essays, doing homework, hearing peoples opinions on things and forming my own. I miss the excitement of a good mark, the joy from getting an assignment I have a passion for, and the learning that comes from bad marks. I miss the Brownie group I was leading, and the nights with friends not really doing anything, I miss the church, and the small group I had been going to. I really love it there and can't wait to go back. I was in need of a break, but it's already been too long.

I feel like I've gone on forever here and it's all been negative.. I guess it's time to end off..

So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left here all alone
I should have known this
Never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise.
I wish it all gone......
I could've burned it when I had that choice
And now I'd die to kill this noise in my head
~The Tide Began to Rise by Demon Hunter

Minority

Let me just start my saying for those of you that don't know, I am not the biggest fan of democracy. Yes, I like some aspects of it, but it is not free as many would say. It oppresses minorities and has its negative aspects. That does not mean I do not participate in our politics or that I am about to go live in a country with a dictator. It merely means that I think it could be greatly improved and there are aspects of it I do not like.

Maybe because of seeing the flaws in democracy, I am very political. I have my opinions and I do my research, recognizing that my opinions are not always right for everyone, and may not work on a large scale. That doesn't often change my opinion, but it is still acknowledged and all that jazz. I was excited to be finally able to vote in our provincial election. I realize that voting isn't actually all the exciting, and I did before I went into the polling station. However, my experiences with my first election today have caused me to find even more flaws in our electoral system than I'd had before and I am done. Something needs to be changed, I don't know how, but enough people are upset with it that we can at least try to get something done.

Now, I guess it would probably make sense to explain what happened to cause me to lose the remainder of my faith in our democracy. The students union had organized a vote mob, free transportation to the polling station today for the advanced polls. This was wonderful to make it easier and cheaper for students to vote, make it more readily available. It also went to show that we are voting and we will have our voice be heard. Although.. It kind of ended up failing in the latter.

Now, a direct quote from the elections Alberta website on who can vote... "In order to be eligible to vote in a provincial general election, a person must reside in the polling subdivision in which the person seeks to vote, and must:
• be a Canadian citizen,
• be at least eighteen years of age,
• be ordinarily resident in Alberta for six months prior to polling day,
• not be excluded under section 45 of the Election Act, which states: "

According to this, a student living on residence would be eligible to vote in the riding which they reside for school, as long as they are a Canadian citizen and 18. They have resided in Alberta for, in this case, around 8 months. In case you can't do math, that is 2 more than the 6 months that are required. It is where we reside for most of the year, where we have our mail sent for that time, where we eat, sleep, work, study, and spend what little money we have. Apparently, this isn't actually how it works.

Many of us got turned down for voting in this riding, we were unable to vote here because of going home for the summr months. Now, I'm not sure about all the other residents, but if I live here most of the year I'm pretty sure the government here will have more influence over my life, and I want my say in that if it's offered. Which according to the above statement, it is. Yet many were denied and told they were required to vote in their riding at home. This is absolutely ridiculous, we are spending the majority of at least 4 years here, the government elected in this election will be a huge influence over what happens in that time. I would rather have a say in the representative for this area than for one I might spend 4 months at. Likely not even that.

Now, I was able to vote because I will likely be living in Edmonton over the summer for work. This would mean I have a different address than is considered my permanent address still. I had it explained to me that this is different because it's like someone who lives here all the time going elsewhere to work for a month. Instead of somewhere who lives at home all the time going somewhere else to work for 8 months. This is absolutely ridiculous. It's no different, I'm still not residing here for the summer months, just like those who are going home. I still live here for 8 months, just like everyone else who does.

Now, apparently we have gained new information for how we can vote here. Though it is still ridiculous, especially since some were able to vote, surprisingly all girls. Maybe so we can't pull the sexist card out? No matter what the reason, this is not the equality that democracy is supposed to stand for, it is wrong and should not be tolerated. We are constantly told how we need to vote and how the young people are those who have the lowest voter turnout. Maybe that's because we have to go through this when trying to vote and exercise our rights.

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
~ Won't Get Fooled Again by the Who

Decisions

You know that moment when you have a massive decision to make and you don't know what you want or what you should do, or even if they're the same? Yup, that's pretty much all of my decisions. Usually I'm pretty good at making the bigger decisions, I know what I want, where I want to end up and usually if something I'm doing will help me get there as well as if I'll enjoy it. It's the small decisions I'm awful with, ask pretty much anyone who spends any significant amount of time with me. If it doesn't seem big enough to effect everything in my life I don't really see a point in having a real opinion about it. Sometimes there's something like that that I'm really set in doing, or determined to avoid, but usually it just doesn't matter. This time, it's a pretty big one.

All my exams will be done in less than 2 weeks, and I'll be headed home.. I think, and will be needing a full-time seasonal job. Now, here lies my important decision. I have been informed of a summer internship at Sanctuary Covenant Church in Edmonton which sounds almost perfect for me. It's right up my alley with things I enjoy doing and just seems pretty perfect, even pays well. BUT it's in Edmonton. I don't particularly want to live in Edmonton or have to rent for the summer, I was looking forward to going home. To my mom's cooking, my bed, cooking myself, a working dryer, not having to pay for laundry, and not paying rent. I think I'm going to apply and just see what happens with it, let it be. I have some sense that it's where God wants me to be, that I will be able to make some impact, that it will help me to grow. And I know I should listen to that, but it's one of those times that I'm just really not sure if it's actually something intended for me or I'm just making it up and putting myself under more pressure to take it than I would be otherwise. I know, I know, usually it's the things you want to do that may not exactly be in line that you're thinking are where you need to be when they aren't. But that's not really me. It's always been more of a need to be in places I THINK I should be, but aren't necessarily what I want or what was intended.

Then talking to Marc about this internship I was informed that Jon wants be back at camp this summer. I assumed this is mostly because no one really wants to day camp job and I did a pretty good job at it. I did really enjoy it though at times it was hard, and I would love to go back. But at the same time, I don't know if that's where I should be this year. I know it isn't the kind of money I need with being in school, but camp has never been about the money, and it still wouldn't be.

Then there's the prospect of getting a "real job" and staying at home and whatnot which is also super appealing. And I already said that I would be reffing in Breton, which I guess I can do wherever I am since I get reimbursed for the gas money and whatnot. It's just a lot of driving and whatever. But guess no matter what I'm doing there will be something good to come out of it. So I shall let it be and we shall see.

"Will you rise above?
The day will come to make a choice.
The day will come to make a decision.

Don't say I didn't warn you.
Stand your ground.
Stand your ground."
~ Decisions by a Bullet for Pretty Boy

Well..

It's been just so long since I've sat down and written something not for school, that being said all my writing assignments were pretty simple until this lab report. Labs make me question why I would want to continue going after a BSc. They're ridiculously long and have the most difficult writing assignments. I guess we'll see. But, I've been adding to my list of things to be thankful for everyday, and it's getting all long and wonderful. I decided to share the finished result, but that's a ways away.

Let's see.. Everything's been all crazy and stuff recently. Circumstances have led me to realize the finiteness of the lives we have. There was a great loss within my home community while I was home for reading week. One single event led to the death of 4 young people, one not being from the same town I was, but another small town very close. Seeing the huge amount of hurt that came from that, once again. It's not the first time, but it is the first time that was this many people from one single event. It's crazy to think that I knew these people, that they could have been something great in their future, whether or not people thought they would be now.

Coming back from reading week the rather expected passing of my gramma came about as well. Even though her health had been deteriorating for quite some time it was still a bit of a shock and just not something I'd wanted to hear. I wouldn't say it was easy to get past that initially being away from the family and everything.

Neither was the first death of someone who I had known or who I was close to. Though I guess they were the first that occured at a piont when I was kind of questioning things already and just looking at different things within myself and outside of myself to decide things which I believe and don't believe. It isn't that I had never done that before, just that the two had never fallen together. It's crazy how easily things can come to an end. I have all these things that I intend to do in the future, but there's always the potential that I won't make it there. I have this path that I think God wants me to follow and has laid out for me. But what if that isn't it? What if I'm not supposed to acheive these things and instead I will be taken to him? Or if one of those people who I'm starting to think are going to continually be a huge impact on my faith and everything else to do with me, who I feel has a part to play for a long time doesn't get to that point. It's a scary thought, but at the same time it would be OK. It would hurt, or cause hurt in either case, but I know it could be accepted eventually. I haven't finished forming all my thoughts here and it's always odd to try them out for the first time with others able to read/see/hear the process. So I guess this is where we end.

"I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did"
~ Save a Place for Me by Matthew West