The Price of Freedom

Summer is drawing to an end.. And let's be honest.. It's been nothing like what I had expected. Working full-time, hardly having any interactions with people outside of work. The best night of my week being either the night working with my favorite co-worker or the night the seniors brought in cake. One week before heading back and all I am is excited, excited to be spending my time doing things I love, or at least ones that bring me closer to things I want. Having a social life, exploring my freedom, and all those things.

Excited to have a place I can call my own, even if it is just rented and shared with 2 others, it's new, it's exciting, it's a responsibility, and it's something I'm prepared for. Excited to budget, to learn, to grow. Excited to experience, to create, to live. Excited for classes, for late nights, for assignments, for good talks, new friends, new adventures, and life.

Terrified, terrified that what I know will completely come to an end, instead of transitioning out, leaving a few things intact. Terrified that we won't be able to withstand the challenges presented to us this year. Terrified that some of the academic challenges are things I won't be able to rise to. Terrified I won't have the money, the determination, won't be prepared for the independence. Terrified I'll know less and less of the things I want and more and more of the things I don't. Terrified old ties will go and nwe ones won't form.

I'd like to say I'm completely ready for this year, but I know I'm not. That doesn't take away from the excitement at all. This is where I want to be, where I need to be, where I'm being called and where I will find the most joy. Maybe the path getting there won't be exactly the one I want, and maybe I'll face challenges I couldn't imagine, or ones I've feared forever. But no matter how it is, I'm ready for this. Ready to find and create myself, explore, grow together (or apart) and learn.

YAY REDUNDANCY AND CONTRADICTIONS!

"I just need to know that I can come back
I need to know, I only need to know that
You'll be here when I come back home"
~ All Those Nights by Chase Coy

Old School Reasons

Well, here I am.. Home, after the first year of university, the first time testing out the big world on my own. I was excited to come home, to spend time with old friends who I had been extremely close to, to get to know my sisters better again, and to be out of the city (even though Lethbridge is a very small city..) That excitement is completely gone.

Being home isn't exciting in the least, I do love my family, but I no longer wish to live with them. I don't like having to clean the washing machine before I wash clothes because there had been clothes covered in poop go through them and then sit there for a week after. I don't like not having my own space. You'd think it would feel more like I have my own space after sharing a small university dorm with a roommate now that I'm back to having my own room, but it doesn't. People come in and out as they please, the door doesn't close properly, let alone lock, and there is very little place for escape from it all. Again, being out on an acreage now you'd think there'd be plenty of space, but that's forgetting the dog.. I go outside to be alone and he follows, unless I'm running he interferes and essentially stops whatever I'm wanting to do with his eagerness, energy, and well.. Stupidity.

I don't feel like I fell back into place with my friends, but it seems as though everyone else has. When we go out for lunch or talk after church or are at someones place, I don't feel involved in the conversation, even though I could be. I don't even really want to be involved in it often.. We have all changed, and I don't resent the change, I like where I am now, an it seems like they all do too. It's just that it leaves me feeling lonely in a place full of those who used to make me feel accepted, loved, and even joyful. The ones who walked beside me when I couldn't walk alone, the ones I have so many good memories with, the ones I didn't want to leave and promised to keep in touch with.. But those relationships aren't the sameI know I feel it, and I guess they probably do too. Yet we don't do anything about it.. All the friends I made in school are about 3 hours away, and with my work schedule and gas prices it's impractical and not going to be a common occurence to see them. The boy is around the same distance away, but in a very slightly different direction, so there's little seeing of him too. It's been so long and it's getting to be difficult.

Working, well, that's actually wonderful. I like most of the people I work with and I do enjoy it for the most part, which is kind of odd.. I mean, it's fastfood, it's mostly handing things out to people, taking there money, cleaning things and making sure you don't do a portion of that wrong.. And it doesn't pay all that well. But I enjoy it. I like talking to the seniors who come in for coffee. I like talking to the other staff, usually. I enjoy feeling like I'm doing something for someone else, even if they are paying for it and I don't always get it right. Although mostly I just enjoy having something to do that seems to have some purpose to it.

I actually miss learning things, I miss writing essays, doing homework, hearing peoples opinions on things and forming my own. I miss the excitement of a good mark, the joy from getting an assignment I have a passion for, and the learning that comes from bad marks. I miss the Brownie group I was leading, and the nights with friends not really doing anything, I miss the church, and the small group I had been going to. I really love it there and can't wait to go back. I was in need of a break, but it's already been too long.

I feel like I've gone on forever here and it's all been negative.. I guess it's time to end off..

So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left here all alone
I should have known this
Never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise.
I wish it all gone......
I could've burned it when I had that choice
And now I'd die to kill this noise in my head
~The Tide Began to Rise by Demon Hunter

Minority

Let me just start my saying for those of you that don't know, I am not the biggest fan of democracy. Yes, I like some aspects of it, but it is not free as many would say. It oppresses minorities and has its negative aspects. That does not mean I do not participate in our politics or that I am about to go live in a country with a dictator. It merely means that I think it could be greatly improved and there are aspects of it I do not like.

Maybe because of seeing the flaws in democracy, I am very political. I have my opinions and I do my research, recognizing that my opinions are not always right for everyone, and may not work on a large scale. That doesn't often change my opinion, but it is still acknowledged and all that jazz. I was excited to be finally able to vote in our provincial election. I realize that voting isn't actually all the exciting, and I did before I went into the polling station. However, my experiences with my first election today have caused me to find even more flaws in our electoral system than I'd had before and I am done. Something needs to be changed, I don't know how, but enough people are upset with it that we can at least try to get something done.

Now, I guess it would probably make sense to explain what happened to cause me to lose the remainder of my faith in our democracy. The students union had organized a vote mob, free transportation to the polling station today for the advanced polls. This was wonderful to make it easier and cheaper for students to vote, make it more readily available. It also went to show that we are voting and we will have our voice be heard. Although.. It kind of ended up failing in the latter.

Now, a direct quote from the elections Alberta website on who can vote... "In order to be eligible to vote in a provincial general election, a person must reside in the polling subdivision in which the person seeks to vote, and must:
• be a Canadian citizen,
• be at least eighteen years of age,
• be ordinarily resident in Alberta for six months prior to polling day,
• not be excluded under section 45 of the Election Act, which states: "

According to this, a student living on residence would be eligible to vote in the riding which they reside for school, as long as they are a Canadian citizen and 18. They have resided in Alberta for, in this case, around 8 months. In case you can't do math, that is 2 more than the 6 months that are required. It is where we reside for most of the year, where we have our mail sent for that time, where we eat, sleep, work, study, and spend what little money we have. Apparently, this isn't actually how it works.

Many of us got turned down for voting in this riding, we were unable to vote here because of going home for the summr months. Now, I'm not sure about all the other residents, but if I live here most of the year I'm pretty sure the government here will have more influence over my life, and I want my say in that if it's offered. Which according to the above statement, it is. Yet many were denied and told they were required to vote in their riding at home. This is absolutely ridiculous, we are spending the majority of at least 4 years here, the government elected in this election will be a huge influence over what happens in that time. I would rather have a say in the representative for this area than for one I might spend 4 months at. Likely not even that.

Now, I was able to vote because I will likely be living in Edmonton over the summer for work. This would mean I have a different address than is considered my permanent address still. I had it explained to me that this is different because it's like someone who lives here all the time going elsewhere to work for a month. Instead of somewhere who lives at home all the time going somewhere else to work for 8 months. This is absolutely ridiculous. It's no different, I'm still not residing here for the summer months, just like those who are going home. I still live here for 8 months, just like everyone else who does.

Now, apparently we have gained new information for how we can vote here. Though it is still ridiculous, especially since some were able to vote, surprisingly all girls. Maybe so we can't pull the sexist card out? No matter what the reason, this is not the equality that democracy is supposed to stand for, it is wrong and should not be tolerated. We are constantly told how we need to vote and how the young people are those who have the lowest voter turnout. Maybe that's because we have to go through this when trying to vote and exercise our rights.

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
~ Won't Get Fooled Again by the Who

Decisions

You know that moment when you have a massive decision to make and you don't know what you want or what you should do, or even if they're the same? Yup, that's pretty much all of my decisions. Usually I'm pretty good at making the bigger decisions, I know what I want, where I want to end up and usually if something I'm doing will help me get there as well as if I'll enjoy it. It's the small decisions I'm awful with, ask pretty much anyone who spends any significant amount of time with me. If it doesn't seem big enough to effect everything in my life I don't really see a point in having a real opinion about it. Sometimes there's something like that that I'm really set in doing, or determined to avoid, but usually it just doesn't matter. This time, it's a pretty big one.

All my exams will be done in less than 2 weeks, and I'll be headed home.. I think, and will be needing a full-time seasonal job. Now, here lies my important decision. I have been informed of a summer internship at Sanctuary Covenant Church in Edmonton which sounds almost perfect for me. It's right up my alley with things I enjoy doing and just seems pretty perfect, even pays well. BUT it's in Edmonton. I don't particularly want to live in Edmonton or have to rent for the summer, I was looking forward to going home. To my mom's cooking, my bed, cooking myself, a working dryer, not having to pay for laundry, and not paying rent. I think I'm going to apply and just see what happens with it, let it be. I have some sense that it's where God wants me to be, that I will be able to make some impact, that it will help me to grow. And I know I should listen to that, but it's one of those times that I'm just really not sure if it's actually something intended for me or I'm just making it up and putting myself under more pressure to take it than I would be otherwise. I know, I know, usually it's the things you want to do that may not exactly be in line that you're thinking are where you need to be when they aren't. But that's not really me. It's always been more of a need to be in places I THINK I should be, but aren't necessarily what I want or what was intended.

Then talking to Marc about this internship I was informed that Jon wants be back at camp this summer. I assumed this is mostly because no one really wants to day camp job and I did a pretty good job at it. I did really enjoy it though at times it was hard, and I would love to go back. But at the same time, I don't know if that's where I should be this year. I know it isn't the kind of money I need with being in school, but camp has never been about the money, and it still wouldn't be.

Then there's the prospect of getting a "real job" and staying at home and whatnot which is also super appealing. And I already said that I would be reffing in Breton, which I guess I can do wherever I am since I get reimbursed for the gas money and whatnot. It's just a lot of driving and whatever. But guess no matter what I'm doing there will be something good to come out of it. So I shall let it be and we shall see.

"Will you rise above?
The day will come to make a choice.
The day will come to make a decision.

Don't say I didn't warn you.
Stand your ground.
Stand your ground."
~ Decisions by a Bullet for Pretty Boy

Well..

It's been just so long since I've sat down and written something not for school, that being said all my writing assignments were pretty simple until this lab report. Labs make me question why I would want to continue going after a BSc. They're ridiculously long and have the most difficult writing assignments. I guess we'll see. But, I've been adding to my list of things to be thankful for everyday, and it's getting all long and wonderful. I decided to share the finished result, but that's a ways away.

Let's see.. Everything's been all crazy and stuff recently. Circumstances have led me to realize the finiteness of the lives we have. There was a great loss within my home community while I was home for reading week. One single event led to the death of 4 young people, one not being from the same town I was, but another small town very close. Seeing the huge amount of hurt that came from that, once again. It's not the first time, but it is the first time that was this many people from one single event. It's crazy to think that I knew these people, that they could have been something great in their future, whether or not people thought they would be now.

Coming back from reading week the rather expected passing of my gramma came about as well. Even though her health had been deteriorating for quite some time it was still a bit of a shock and just not something I'd wanted to hear. I wouldn't say it was easy to get past that initially being away from the family and everything.

Neither was the first death of someone who I had known or who I was close to. Though I guess they were the first that occured at a piont when I was kind of questioning things already and just looking at different things within myself and outside of myself to decide things which I believe and don't believe. It isn't that I had never done that before, just that the two had never fallen together. It's crazy how easily things can come to an end. I have all these things that I intend to do in the future, but there's always the potential that I won't make it there. I have this path that I think God wants me to follow and has laid out for me. But what if that isn't it? What if I'm not supposed to acheive these things and instead I will be taken to him? Or if one of those people who I'm starting to think are going to continually be a huge impact on my faith and everything else to do with me, who I feel has a part to play for a long time doesn't get to that point. It's a scary thought, but at the same time it would be OK. It would hurt, or cause hurt in either case, but I know it could be accepted eventually. I haven't finished forming all my thoughts here and it's always odd to try them out for the first time with others able to read/see/hear the process. So I guess this is where we end.

"I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did"
~ Save a Place for Me by Matthew West

Church, travel, microwaves, snow, colour, and health.

The 6 things listed in my title are my thankful things for the 6 days since the last post. But I'm going to not really talk about them now.

 

You know those moments when you have no idea what you're supposed to do? There are multiple things you need to get done, but you just can't seem to prioratize them properly. Or there are two sick shows the same night, you want to see both but you just can't be in 2 places at once (I know, hard to imagine when you live in Western Canada). Or even just trying to balance your time with all of the stuff we tend to take on in our society along with time to be alone and just chill or be in prayer or just listen, all that stuff.

 

I guess I feel like that is my whole life right now, I'm having trouble just sitting down for a while, even though I definitely seem to have enough time to do so. Focus isn't coming easily so every little task spreads out WAY longer than it should. Most people who know me well aren't going to think this is any different than usual, and really it isn't. At all. I'm just starting to really notice it, whereas before that was just how it is and I didn't mind. Now it's all like.. It's like this, I don't want it to be like this.. Let's change it.. *thinks about it for a couple minutes, then gets distracted by something*..

 

I guess the big thing is that I'm really noticing this being detrimental to my interactions with people, I have trouble focussing on the conversation, or spreading out the time I have among various people. Even writing this, I started almost an hour ago, but got really distracted for a while and starte doing other stuff, then returned to it and repeated that process multiple times. So either this is going to be really disconnected or I'm pretty much a genius. I think I'm done now because all my thought on this topic is ither gone or already typed up.

 

"Rushing and racing and running in circles,
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose.
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning,
Getting nowhere"
~ Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum

7 more things I'm thankful for..

Since it's been a week here's a list of 7 more things I'm thankful for.

1. My literacy. I love to read, and I definitely don't mind writing. Trying to learn another language last semester made me appreciate it all the more.
2. I am not blind. Though I've always wondered what it would be like, I don't want to be blind.
3. I am not deaf. Ties in with music, and education.
4. The relative freedom in our society, I can go to church freely, generally share my views on things, and participate in various things without someone else choosing them for me.
5. FOOD! Man, I love food. And really appreciate that I can have 3 meals, and even snacks daily if I so choose, which I usually do. Even though CJs is iffy at best.
6. My family, sure, I don't get along with them all the time and they're frustrating at times. But I'm so glad I have them.
7. My friends. I don't like being lonely, but I do like having time alone. I've found myself wonderful friends who understand that, even those who don't agree with me. I've been able to keep in touch with many from Breton and have managed to make some new ones here. Or just get closer to ones I kinda already had.

"Dear friends, sometimes I know the world can get you down,

Just know I'll always be around
And working on it

And even when the night seems darkest,
And hope is far away,
I'll be right beside you on that day

No matter where our lives take us
Even if we end up different places
I promise I'll always answer when you call."
~ Jeanette by Chase Coy

I feel like I need to find something more exciting.. Hmm.. O! Idea! Wait for it.....

Ongaku

Currently in my itunes library are 11760 songs, along with 698 music-oriented podcasts. I have completed my grade 8 piano, with honours on the exam. Anyone who knows me well will have discovered I listen to a extremely wide variety of music. They likely will also have noticed that I am pretty much constantly either listening to music or have some form of it stuck in my head. Instead of fabricating my own words, you will often hear me quoting various songs directly in conversations. I guess it can be said I'm a music-lover, or something.

I am so thankful that I have music, all the forms in which it is available here and the lack of censorship in it. I strongly believe in the freedom of the individual, and part of that is the ability to express themselves. Some are unable to properly do so through other means and thus use music. Others use it as an outlet. And still others just enjoy its presence. Of course there are those who really are indifferent and don't actually enjoy music. I have never really understood these people, but to each their own.

This one is getting a little bit everywhere, right now I have both too few and too many thoughts going through my mind and so nothing is processing properly. So of course my antidote to that is to tune out the world and listen to some good songs until the thoughts process themselves. I was reading in my psych textbook last night that we actually make "better" decisions through automatic processing ("unconscious" thought) than councious thought. Likely because when we are actively thinking about a decision we are unable to take all of the information into account. So I'm going to test this theory and just not make any decisions for a while. Sounds logical, right?

Well, I guess I will leave off here. Always remember that music is good, censorship isn't always, and to not think about important decisions.

"This is on the rise music, this is novelty music.
This is who can blame music, I don't get fooled by it.
This is where'd you go music, this is come home music.
This is down to the wire, I'm such a perfect angel music.
Who really tries?"
~ Song Away by Hockey

Another Brick in the Wall

I've been back at the university for around a week now, and I must say there are elements that I love as well as elements that I hate. The new classes are exciting, until you find out you got "that" prof. Stepping out on your own is wonderful, until you realize how much life really costs. Getting away from old ties is so freeing, until you realize you wanted to keep them and really aren't all that good at making new ones. There's those assignments that you are actually excited for, but then there's the ones that you are dreading with every aspect of your being. No one heads into university expecting to love every minute of it, but if you choose to be there, either you are some form of masochist who enjoys inflicting pain on themselves or you do find some enjoyment within it.

That being said, I bet you can guess the next thing I am thankful for. If you can't, I guess my psychology major may help to figure you out eventually. Anyway, item number two on my list of things I am thankful for is my opportunity for eduction. I am thankful for it because I am a woman, and it wasn't all that long ago when women here could not gain the type of education which I am privileged enough to gain. Even now many girls do not have this opportunity. Now, I'm not a feminist, but I do hold strong beliefs in equality of opportunity. I am thankful for it because I am capable of learning and as a result gaining this education, I have not been held back by a brain injury or any form of disability. I am thankful for it because I have enough money to attend a higher institution, I am not held back by funds. I am thankful because I am not entirely alone, my family is both willing and able to provide support. I am thankful because I was able to choose what I wished to study and where without pressure to go any which way. I am thankful that people have gone before me who provided the opportunities to gain this knowledge. And I am thankful for the people who are willing to instruct.

I'm exteremely excited for most of my classes this semester. My professor for addictions studies is wonderful, and it seems like the material will be as well. Neuroscience and biology both have aspects to them which I do not accept, but I'm excited to gain a deeper knowledge of the other side of these things and be challenged in my beliefs. As a result I hope to be more actively seeking answers to the questions I develop. Social psychology is one I haven't decided on yet, I may fall in love with it, but it may end up just being an aspect of psychology that I rule out as something I wish to pursue. And logic, well, the prof is interesting, possibly slightly insane, but those are the best people, and the material seems interesting enough. I quite look forward to this semester.

Yes, that was an entire paragraph of reasons I am thankful for my education. Yes, it was probably boring and not something you wanted to read. Thank you captain obvious. I warned you what this was about.

"Well here we are, no one else
We walked to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn 

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
Nouns, and books, and show and tell
At playtime we will throw the ball
Back to class, through the hall
Teacher marks our height against the wall"
~ We're Gonna Be Friends by the White Stripes

Kairos

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to begin blogging. Now this was something that I always told myself I wasn't going to do. So this is quite the change of heart, but I feel like it will be good for me, so I'm starting here and we'll see where it goes.

Another decision I have come to is to see time as kairos instead of chronos. Both are Greek words meaning time, but they are 2 distinct forms of time. Chronos is where we get the idea of chronological time, doing everything in order with the purpose essentially of just getting it done, or of self-fulfillment. Whereas kairos is those in-between moments, when something special happens. Or at least this is how I have come to understand it. I wish to live my life in constant kairos, creating something special out of each day. A part of that for me is going to be living life in a way that will be pleasing to God, letting people see my Christianity in a practical way. I wish to begin to place God first, others second, and me third. it is impractical to neglect myself, as I am the vessel through which I will be doing these other things. Though I feel like it is also impractical to allow myself to be placed first, I find less joy in life in those moments when I am placing myself first. That being said, I want to see how long this is going to last, and all of you who choose to read this to keep be accountable. I'm not doing this to allow myself to be taken advantage of, but instead to bring wholeness and the light of Christ into my life. I am not intending to change the fundamentals of who I am, but that doesn't mean changes won't come about as a result. Nor am I about to go around preaching on street corners or forcing my religion unto others, some may be called this direction, but I am not. Instead I wish to share in practical means, not shy away from service or from conversation, but invite it.

The other thing I wish to do is create a list of 365 things I am thankful for. Yes, that is one for each day of the year. It may be two weeks into 2012 already, but that doesn't mean I can't start now. I guess that's my primary purpose here, to share that list as it begins to be compiled. And so, I begin today with my first thing I am thankful for as time. Which I guess can be extended to life, the ability to have it, to live it, to share it, and to appreciate it. All of which I intend to do more of, as this time is limited and precious.

So, I guess that's where we end off today.

"Dream as if you'll live forever,
Live as if you'll die today.
If these are my last words
Let them be seize the day 

Not time to freeze, not another word
Not another chance, no other day.
Deep down inside you hear the screams,
Can barley breathe and suffocate.
Now taking it for what its worth
Your hesitation leaves no patience"
~Carpe Diem by Authority Zero