Being home isn't exciting in the least, I do love my family, but I no longer wish to live with them. I don't like having to clean the washing machine before I wash clothes because there had been clothes covered in poop go through them and then sit there for a week after. I don't like not having my own space. You'd think it would feel more like I have my own space after sharing a small university dorm with a roommate now that I'm back to having my own room, but it doesn't. People come in and out as they please, the door doesn't close properly, let alone lock, and there is very little place for escape from it all. Again, being out on an acreage now you'd think there'd be plenty of space, but that's forgetting the dog.. I go outside to be alone and he follows, unless I'm running he interferes and essentially stops whatever I'm wanting to do with his eagerness, energy, and well.. Stupidity.
I don't feel like I fell back into place with my friends, but it seems as though everyone else has. When we go out for lunch or talk after church or are at someones place, I don't feel involved in the conversation, even though I could be. I don't even really want to be involved in it often.. We have all changed, and I don't resent the change, I like where I am now, an it seems like they all do too. It's just that it leaves me feeling lonely in a place full of those who used to make me feel accepted, loved, and even joyful. The ones who walked beside me when I couldn't walk alone, the ones I have so many good memories with, the ones I didn't want to leave and promised to keep in touch with.. But those relationships aren't the sameI know I feel it, and I guess they probably do too. Yet we don't do anything about it.. All the friends I made in school are about 3 hours away, and with my work schedule and gas prices it's impractical and not going to be a common occurence to see them. The boy is around the same distance away, but in a very slightly different direction, so there's little seeing of him too. It's been so long and it's getting to be difficult.
Working, well, that's actually wonderful. I like most of the people I work with and I do enjoy it for the most part, which is kind of odd.. I mean, it's fastfood, it's mostly handing things out to people, taking there money, cleaning things and making sure you don't do a portion of that wrong.. And it doesn't pay all that well. But I enjoy it. I like talking to the seniors who come in for coffee. I like talking to the other staff, usually. I enjoy feeling like I'm doing something for someone else, even if they are paying for it and I don't always get it right. Although mostly I just enjoy having something to do that seems to have some purpose to it.
I actually miss learning things, I miss writing essays, doing homework, hearing peoples opinions on things and forming my own. I miss the excitement of a good mark, the joy from getting an assignment I have a passion for, and the learning that comes from bad marks. I miss the Brownie group I was leading, and the nights with friends not really doing anything, I miss the church, and the small group I had been going to. I really love it there and can't wait to go back. I was in need of a break, but it's already been too long.
I feel like I've gone on forever here and it's all been negative.. I guess it's time to end off..
So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left here all alone
I should have known this
Never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise.
I wish it all gone......
I could've burned it when I had that choice
And now I'd die to kill this noise in my head
~The Tide Began to Rise by Demon Hunter
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